persisgreen's Xanga

things past...

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 08:12:09 GMT

I always feel a little betrayed when things I buy don't last as long as I do.

T-shirts.
I think normal people buy a T-shirt, wear it a few times over a few years and toss it. I want them to last until I don't like the way they look... not until they are not soft anymore, pit stained and or any other stains. T-shirts are traitors.

Blankets.
I can't get rid of my Little Mermaid blanket, even though it's faded, scratchy, torn, and kinda smells weird. I finally decided on a bunch of single sheets to toss now that I sleep in a queen, but the pile of twin blankets? I need some help with that.

Computers.
Need I say more?

Relationships.
Much better luck there, but still, sometimes I still get upset about not keeping in touch with Amanda whats her name who wasn't even that nice to me when I was eight... we drifted when I moved. (She wouldn't share her Barbies) Or the girls I hung out with in Sparkies... I don't remember their names. I like being married and the promise of "till death do us part." I really like that. I like that all my closest girlfriends I've had at least one or more major tiff's with. As Linnea points out, it adds a sense of certainty.

Memories.
I hate forgetting things. Hate. Makes me want to weep. I have married someone who is most likely the most forgetful person on earth. This is because God thinks it's hilarious. *sigh* I've been going through his stuff since he moved in and finding it's not as hard to throw things out when they are not yours and when they are inane. I think it's a family tradition to put things in boxes and forget they exist. It's been funny for me to find random receipts and pay stubs from a decade ago and think about where he was in his life at that point. I think I can carry the memories for both of us. Or at least the most important ones. Carrying everything gets too heavy.

So. Now I that I have weeded out half of my t-shirts, I need to find a way to get rid of my Little Mermaid blanket. I think I may have to burn it.

obsessing about not obsessing

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 02:02:22 GMT

Not that this will ever happen, but I imagine that if Aaron and I were to ever break up it would be something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJZDsJ8UU64 (yes, that is her ex husband in the video).

I keep wanting to tell people, being with someone isn't really different than being single... because you still have to deal with your stuff yourself and you don't magically become a perfectly evolved human. You just have someone of the opposite sex who is required to give you more hugs than your girlfriends. Also, I don't want to sleep with any of my girlfriends, but since I am not married yet and not sleeping with Aaron, sometimes it just feels like he just somehow found the magical portal into being close like Linnea or Earl... but than again, I would not make a music video like the above about Linnea or Earl. Honestly though, I don't understand what it is I feel for Aaron. I feel comfortable saying it's ordained, because I believe it is, but for the first time in my life defining a relationship in my head doesn't work. It just is.

I guess since I need to obsess to be myself I will be obsessing now about my lack of obsessing about my relationship. *tips hat*

Work is also undefinable, but in a less pleasant way. Someone should pay me to be my own think tank. That would be great.

Last night Catie, Amelia, Charissa and I sat around and watched Fade to Red, Tori's latest music video collection complete with commentary. That was the most zen like part of the week for me so far. Sort of like the Victorian practice of blood letting, except with emotions.

inversion... musically

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 00:18:10 GMT

I have these songs that I have saved up in my heart since I was probably twelve that someday I figured I would give to my husband on a mix tape... now CD. Now that I am as close to certain it's going to be Aaron as one can be without actually BEING married (no, we are not engaged yet people... but you all know it's a formality) the most ironic thing has happened. He made me a mix CD for our one and a half year that had an incredibly terrifying amount of songs that would have gone on my mix CD... and he has NO IDEA which songs they are nor have I ever hinted. He founds songs that are rare, B-sides, some by Enya for freaks sake and put them on this freaking CD.

Today we were listening to one of these songs, and he kept looking me in the eyes as if the song was his song (we were playing Skip-Bo, so the romance was a funny element to the competition). It's my song! But this is how whipped I am, I realized the songs I always dreamed would apply to the man I would spend my life with apply to me. This is exactly like how I thought that the man I wanted, my "type" was actually more discriptive of who I am then who I needed. I wanted Mr. Darcy, although always said I probably should be with Lloyd Dobler. Turns out I am Mr. Darcy and I got Lloyd Dobler. According to Aaron I am also House (yes, of House M.D.), Tony Soprano, Samantha Jones, Denzel Washington's charector from American Gangster, one of the squishy squid from Finding Nemo (Bad Squishy!), Troy Dyer and Angelina Jolie (accordning to Aaron). At least there are a few women in there! Apparently the fact I am secure with Aaron means I am crisply direct.

Just a moment ago I was listening to another song that would make this mix tape, sans Aaron, and I realized, that one is about me too. Does this mean I have secretely been in love with myself all these years? Or does it mean that I was always longing for someone who would see what I couldn't see about myself? Aaron showed me how strong I really am, and how much I need to rely on the people I am close to. I hate relaince. He calls it sactification. I guess that's the point.

The Dark Knight of the Soul

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 05:05:37 GMT

The individual and specific complexity of the human experience makes the interpretation of straight truth very hard to decipher. The cultural context and metalanguage levels given to each specific scenario make it very hard for anyone to even begin to know the way another person feels or thinks. This is why Jesus spoke in parables. This is my mythology is one of the most powerful forms of passing on historic communication. The truest truths throughout the realm of humanity are almost always shrouded in legend. By amplifying, or making “tall tales” we can see our selves more sincerely.

One of the most powerful mediums of the past hundred years has been the comic book. With their initial boost to help American's deal with the fall out of the depression era and World War II, the hero's are practically infallible, but the emotions are basic. The way we see ourselves as individuals is just as complex as the way these characters present themselves.

Tonight I while I was watching the Dark Knight I kept thinking about a quote from Kevin Smith's ironically philosophical film Mallrats. Stan Lee guests as himself and in a pep talk that he later admits to be bunk he still unwittingly touches on a truth that most people can relate to: "I created some special new superheroes. They were characters that reflected my own heartbreak and my own regrets...Doctor Doom wears body armor to conceal his own mangled form... That was me beneath the armor. [The Hulk,] A normal guy one minute, a rage of emotions the next. Just like me when I thought about what I'd given up."

In the movie the little speech is about a girl, the Achilles heel for most heroes. I think usually the girl is also a metaphor for something bigger. The girl represents normalcy, acceptance, idealism and home. Fundamental human needs in some form or another that lead back to truth. Having the integrity to maintain truth is not an easy thing. We have to mask ourselves and cling to our ideals to follow through at times. Often we die in the name of integrity. “What we do in life echoes in eternity.” Maximus the Gladiator so famously said. (One of my personally favorite modern hero myths.)

I was extremely awed by Heath's performance even more than I expected, which was a lot. His completely fearless abandon was breathtaking. It takes a lot of courage to play a character that unlikably likable. The paradox between the Joker, who was a lover of evil; Harvey Dent, who had never truly dealt with or seen the temptation evil brings; and Batman, who stares in right into the eyes of evil and lets people assume he is this thing he hates in order to keep his integrity brought me to tears. The closing monologue from Gary Oldman's James Gordon has layers of meaning and insight into my personal experiences that I wouldn't dare compare to what Batman represents, and yet it still has the power to show me who I am in the way only a truly fabulous myth can.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 09:43:28 GMT

I don't have a computer that gets internet.
We don't have internet at the house.

Those are the top practical reasons why I haven't been blogging.

The existential reasons are because adding Aaron to my life has changed my internal monologue and it's been hard to figure out how to talk about things without being to intimate. I also talk to Aaron about everything, so the need to process in written form took a back seat. This isn't the first time I stopped blogging for months, just the first time on xanga.

Things with Aaron are really solid, so the voices in my head compelling me to write are coming back. I think that's good. Adjustments are stressful, no matter what good they bring.

I have started writing again. It's like the mental caress of an old lover. I forgot how much I love to write in my passion for pictures.

Aaron and I were in a really bad car wreck December 28 last year. If he hadn't been such a defensive driver I would be dead right now. After two car wrecks in the rain in one year I find myself dealing with a new fear of cars. I don't want to be in them. That's weird for me.

My days right now are filled mostly with physical therapy to get my lower back to stop hurting constantly, figuring out what to do for a job next, organizing my stuff, cooking for Aaron and I, and watching as many movies as I can. This as well as being with people.

I am really glad I didn't move to NYC. I would have missed all these memories with the people I love.

My parents and Aaron's parents are coming for Easter. They meet for the first time! Yikes. Nen will also be there on Friday, which will bring sanity on some level, I am convinced.

Aaron and I had been thinking about getting married this summer, but since the accident we decided not to. Last night we were talking about how relieved we are not to be getting married! Getting Earl and Charissa married is enough work. Catie and I plan on living in the Red House one more year. *Sigh* I love this house. I just need to get a computer and internet set up.

How are you, my friends are readers? Are you looking forward to the Sex and the City movie as much as I am? You should be. Also, my boyfriend not only loves Sex and the City almost as much as I do now, but somehow Michael Monkey loves it too and has been making Katzman watch it. I tell ya... next they will all be speaking Myers-Brigg!

things that happened this summer.

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 00:49:06 GMT

this is what I missed so so much.

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 03:33:10 GMT

( maybe it terrifies me this quiet siege maybe it terrifies me)

mixed bag.

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 22:28:10 GMT

You know how when you buy one of those containers of mixed greens at bilo or greenlife and there are buttery leaves and bitter leaves? Together they all make a better salad, but sometimes you just bite into a bitter one and you think "maybe I don't like this blend after all." That's how I feel right now about the past five years. That's how I felt about the previous five years. I feel like I've lived sloppier then I would have liked, but when I think seriously about awkward moments in the past or things I was determined would be one way and turned out different I realize I want to be standing right where I am. So I guess I am sorry if you got caught up in my awkward moments. They were only awkward because I didn't know what I was doing, and I can't really hold on to that kind of regret.

I watched "Knocked Up" today with Eb, Michael, Earl, Linnea and of course my baby. It was a really great movie and freaked both of us considerably considering it was a comedy. It just brought so many things up we've been talking about lately from what we want in the future to how we fight. We've been talking about kids a lot lately, or rather, he's been teasing me about them a lot lately. I feel like I am still processing so much of the past two years and then my brain shuts up and I realize how much I love Aaron and how much I want to be with him despite my manic moments of wanting to disappear into a cave for awhile.

I am exhausted. I graduated from college. I am exhausted. I tired of being caught up in being frustrated with everything I want to get done and don't instead of seeing what I do get done. Aaron's been helping me see this. I am not good with lots of people. I can only handle a few at a time. I regret that, but when I start investing equally in more then few I start falling apart. That's what scares me most about children. I can't give they way I have been consistently asked to give throughout my life. I most comfortable being a ball buster by day and a nurturer by night.

I've been thinking about rock stars who died young, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain especially. They were brilliant introverted individuals who were overwhelmed by the demand the public had for their privacy. It's as if their blood was demanded as a sacrifice on a primal level replicating pagan times. When too many people want you and you don't deliver you die. This is one reason I was attracted to Stoics before Aaron, because I thought they would know best how to protect me. The fiercest protector i've ever had is my boyfriend. It's been really good to be around him and Linnea. They are both favorite spooners of mine and both end up elbowing me a lot. It's hard to be close sometimes!

Humans need narrative. We need to tell stories and have our stories told. This has augmented through the years into various forms. Currently we have blogs and networking sights. We share our thoughts, pictures, videos and whatever else with potentially the world. This has been intimidating lately in light of my emotional exhaustion. So if i've been having trouble connecting with you lately, please be patient with me. Sometimes I have to wait to have something to give.

Next week Aaron and I are going to St. Louis to help his brother move (and I get to see J.Krue). Another step towards something something. I keep running towards it and it makes me smile. *laughs* Okay, so today Linnea watched Aaron and I running around the house while he tried to spank me because I was being a smartass with him. We decided this was good... it's fun to watch the look in my close friends eyes as they adjust to me honestly BEING with someone, belonging... especially since I already belong to them. This is actually the first time she's seen us together since we started dating.

In the day
In the night
Say it right
Say it all
You either got it
Or you don't
You either stand or you fall
When your will is broken
When it slips from your hand
When there's no time for joking
There's a hole in the plan

Oh you don't mean nothing at all to me
No you don't mean nothing at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
Oh you could mean everything to me

I can't say that I'm not lost and at fault
I can't say that I don't love the light and the dark
I can't say that I don't know that I am alive
And all of what I feel I could show
You tonight you tonight

Oh you don't mean nothing at all to me
No you don't mean nothing at all to me
But you got what it takes to set me free
Oh you could mean everything to me

From my hands I could give you
Something that I made
From my mouth I could sing you another brick that I laid
From my body I could show you a place God knows
You should know the space is holy
Do you really want to go?

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Thu, 31 May 2007 12:18:55 GMT

I was gone the last two weekends.
The first one I spent in the DC area attending Hannah and Jeremy's wedding as well as staying with Aaron's parents and meeting his brother, sister-in-law and their four kids. It was a stressful week leading up to the wedding and Aaron and I ended up having our first major fight, but in the end it was extremely good. I got to spend time with Becca, my roommate of a year and half (Hannah's big sister). Seeing Becca was really emotional for me. I cried after I left her. The wedding was beautiful and it was really great to hang out with people I have known since the beginning of my Freshman year but lost touch with. The ride back to Chattanooga was really very romantic and relaxed.

Aaron and I have been learning a lot about what it's like to resolve conflict between people who feel things similarly. We grew up with our parents not really understanding where we were coming from, getting frustrated, and just giving up. This is completely different. We can't throw in the "you don't understand me" card because we pretty much do understand each other. Aaron's taken a lot of initiative to help navigate through the confusion. I actually feel more in love now that we've gotten through this. Now it's kinda fun to disagree. I feel more secure, which should be obvious since up until this point I haven't blogged much in detail about my relationship at all.

Speaking of relationships, this past weekend I went and spent the weekend with my facebook spouse, Linnea. It was her 25 birthday and we watched a lot of movies, shopped for unique and interesting things (like thrifting and organic grocery store cruising) and talked about sex and nutrition a lot. Not about nutrition for sex, fyi. Two separate topics. Food is sort of a new topic that seems to keep popping up among my different girl friends as we get apartments and husbands and have to figure out how to stay alive, eat healthy and stay in a budget. Domesticity is creeping up. I also finally purchased Tori's newest album at this cool little shop across from Linney's apartment called Fat Cats. I also finally bough "The Fast and the Furious" for four dollars. It was time.

This week brings yet another transition as Chantel finishes packing for the air force and Catie and Charissa try and figure out how to fit into the Red House. Lynnette came on Monday and picked up the last of her stuff. She was here about twelve hours. It was really great to see her and really sad we couldn't have that final margarita party. I don't think the blender at our house really is good at crushing ice. In other news, I saw a cockroach this morning. Not cool.

I am taking antibiotics yet again to get the lingering Lyme from my last major outbreak to submit. I had a herxheimer on Monday and I have increased energy now, so that means it's working. Aaron is really supportive and works at being in touch, or as we say "on the same page" with me. It's remarkable to be with someone who wants to hear my thoughts on everything I think about. When we first started dating he said he just wanted to know me. He's consistent in that so far.

Tori's new album really is pretty great. I was sceptical at first since her last two had some great tracks but didn't incite the usual passion in me. This one is waking a passion. I really like this little ditty:
Fat slut you said
What luck I said
To be stuck in your, your happy family
Well don’t you dare I said
Judge me you go
And stick it in somewhere
I’m I’m sicka hearin’ it, you go
Stick it in somewhere I’m
I’m sicka hearin’ it.

It's short, so you may have to replay it five times to work that catharsis.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Sat, 12 May 2007 20:15:34 GMT

I am a college grad now.

I am in Michigan until tomorrow morning. I've been up here resting and visiting... and my parents gave me a 1995 camry.... which blew my mind. So I am driving home in my own car! What the crap? Now I just need to make some money... right "just."

I feel rested and sane again. It's nice.

My parents like my boyfriend. My boyfriend likes my parents. No one is dead. Yet.

In other news... I am now addicted to "The Biggest Loser"