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persisgreen
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Name: epic haiku
Birthday: 12/8/1982
Gender: Female
Interests: sleeping on a regular basis... at some point before I die... maybe...
Expertise: Not sleeping.
Occupation: Photographer and Foster Placem
Industry: Art. Over-thinking.
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
3/22/2004
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| obsessing about not obsessingNot that this will ever happen, but I imagine that if Aaron and I were to ever break up it would be something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJZDsJ8UU64 (yes, that is her ex husband in the video).
I keep wanting to tell people, being with someone isn't really different than being single... because you still have to deal with your stuff yourself and you don't magically become a perfectly evolved human. You just have someone of the opposite sex who is required to give you more hugs than your girlfriends. Also, I don't want to sleep with any of my girlfriends, but since I am not married yet and not sleeping with Aaron, sometimes it just feels like he just somehow found the magical portal into being close like Linnea or Earl... but than again, I would not make a music video like the above about Linnea or Earl. Honestly though, I don't understand what it is I feel for Aaron. I feel comfortable saying it's ordained, because I believe it is, but for the first time in my life defining a relationship in my head doesn't work. It just is.
I guess since I need to obsess to be myself I will be obsessing now about my lack of obsessing about my relationship. *tips hat*
Work is also undefinable, but in a less pleasant way. Someone should pay me to be my own think tank. That would be great.
Last night Catie, Amelia, Charissa and I sat around and watched Fade to Red, Tori's latest music video collection complete with commentary. That was the most zen like part of the week for me so far. Sort of like the Victorian practice of blood letting, except with emotions.
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| inversion... musicallyI have these songs that I have saved up in my heart since I was probably twelve that someday I figured I would give to my husband on a mix tape... now CD. Now that I am as close to certain it's going to be Aaron as one can be without actually BEING married (no, we are not engaged yet people... but you all know it's a formality) the most ironic thing has happened. He made me a mix CD for our one and a half year that had an incredibly terrifying amount of songs that would have gone on my mix CD... and he has NO IDEA which songs they are nor have I ever hinted. He founds songs that are rare, B-sides, some by Enya for freaks sake and put them on this freaking CD.
Today we were listening to one of these songs, and he kept looking me in the eyes as if the song was his song (we were playing Skip-Bo, so the romance was a funny element to the competition). It's my song! But this is how whipped I am, I realized the songs I always dreamed would apply to the man I would spend my life with apply to me. This is exactly like how I thought that the man I wanted, my "type" was actually more discriptive of who I am then who I needed. I wanted Mr. Darcy, although always said I probably should be with Lloyd Dobler. Turns out I am Mr. Darcy and I got Lloyd Dobler. According to Aaron I am also House (yes, of House M.D.), Tony Soprano, Samantha Jones, Denzel Washington's charector from American Gangster, one of the squishy squid from Finding Nemo (Bad Squishy!), Troy Dyer and Angelina Jolie (accordning to Aaron). At least there are a few women in there! Apparently the fact I am secure with Aaron means I am crisply direct.
Just a moment ago I was listening to another song that would make this mix tape, sans Aaron, and I realized, that one is about me too. Does this mean I have secretely been in love with myself all these years? Or does it mean that I was always longing for someone who would see what I couldn't see about myself? Aaron showed me how strong I really am, and how much I need to rely on the people I am close to. I hate relaince. He calls it sactification. I guess that's the point.
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| The Dark Knight of the Soul
The individual and specific complexity
of the human experience makes the interpretation of straight truth
very hard to decipher. The cultural context and metalanguage levels
given to each specific scenario make it very hard for anyone to even
begin to know the way another person feels or thinks. This is why
Jesus spoke in parables. This is my mythology is one of the most
powerful forms of passing on historic communication. The truest
truths throughout the realm of humanity are almost always shrouded in
legend. By amplifying, or making “tall tales” we can see our
selves more sincerely.
One of the most powerful mediums of the
past hundred years has been the comic book. With their initial boost
to help American's deal with the fall out of the depression era and
World War II, the hero's are practically infallible, but the emotions
are basic. The way we see ourselves as individuals is just as complex
as the way these characters present themselves.
Tonight
I while I was watching the Dark Knight I kept thinking about a quote
from Kevin Smith's ironically philosophical film Mallrats. Stan
Lee guests as himself and in a pep talk that he later admits to be
bunk he still unwittingly touches on a truth that most people can
relate to: "I created some special new superheroes. They were characters that reflected my own heartbreak and my own regrets...Doctor Doom wears body armor to conceal his own mangled form... That was me beneath the armor. [The Hulk,] A normal guy one minute, a rage of emotions the next. Just like me when I thought about what I'd given up." In the movie the little speech is about a girl, the Achilles heel for most heroes. I think usually the girl is also a metaphor for something bigger. The girl represents normalcy, acceptance, idealism and home. Fundamental human needs in some form or another that lead back to truth. Having the integrity to maintain truth is not an easy thing. We have to mask ourselves and cling to our ideals to follow through at times. Often we die in the name of integrity. “What we do in life echoes in eternity.” Maximus the Gladiator so famously said. (One of my personally favorite modern hero myths.) I was extremely awed by Heath's performance even more than I expected, which was a lot. His completely fearless abandon was breathtaking. It takes a lot of courage to play a character that unlikably likable. The paradox between the Joker, who was a lover of evil; Harvey Dent, who had never truly dealt with or seen the temptation evil brings; and Batman, who stares in right into the eyes of evil and lets people assume he is this thing he hates in order to keep his integrity brought me to tears. The closing monologue from Gary Oldman's James Gordon has layers of meaning and insight into my personal experiences that I wouldn't dare compare to what Batman represents, and yet it still has the power to show me who I am in the way only a truly fabulous myth can.
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| I don't have a computer that gets internet.
We don't have internet at the house.
Those are the top practical reasons why I haven't been blogging.
The existential reasons are because adding Aaron to my life has changed my internal monologue and it's been hard to figure out how to talk about things without being to intimate. I also talk to Aaron about everything, so the need to process in written form took a back seat. This isn't the first time I stopped blogging for months, just the first time on xanga.
Things with Aaron are really solid, so the voices in my head compelling me to write are coming back. I think that's good. Adjustments are stressful, no matter what good they bring.
I have started writing again. It's like the mental caress of an old lover. I forgot how much I love to write in my passion for pictures.
Aaron and I were in a really bad car wreck December 28 last year. If he hadn't been such a defensive driver I would be dead right now. After two car wrecks in the rain in one year I find myself dealing with a new fear of cars. I don't want to be in them. That's weird for me.
My days right now are filled mostly with physical therapy to get my lower back to stop hurting constantly, figuring out what to do for a job next, organizing my stuff, cooking for Aaron and I, and watching as many movies as I can. This as well as being with people.
I am really glad I didn't move to NYC. I would have missed all these memories with the people I love.
My parents and Aaron's parents are coming for Easter. They meet for the first time! Yikes. Nen will also be there on Friday, which will bring sanity on some level, I am convinced.
Aaron and I had been thinking about getting married this summer, but since the accident we decided not to. Last night we were talking about how relieved we are not to be getting married! Getting Earl and Charissa married is enough work. Catie and I plan on living in the Red House one more year. *Sigh* I love this house. I just need to get a computer and internet set up.
How are you, my friends are readers? Are you looking forward to the Sex and the City movie as much as I am? You should be. Also, my boyfriend not only loves Sex and the City almost as much as I do now, but somehow Michael Monkey loves it too and has been making Katzman watch it. I tell ya... next they will all be speaking Myers-Brigg!
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